I am so glad I named this blog "Collection Of Thoughts" because I realized I can post whatever intense emotions I feel, aside from the things I want to say based on occurrence, perspective, event etc. I would like to call this blog a "special edition" one because I just inserted this suddenly in my agenda to post without even planning well. I hope I don't get away with the main topic even if I have subtopics.
I feel useless. I have been feeling this all day, probably a week ago since I lost inspiration and motivation that started before the preliminary examination. Maybe not that useless, but I cannot see my progress. I do not even know what to do in order to be progressive. I have been struggling in academics since even if I try to study. Right now I am in lax because I lost the urge to be progressive. Do I lack perseverance? Do I lack seriousness? Or is it because there is a limitation to my brain activity that is only limited to what it is right now, that even if I put some efforts, they are to no avail and so I am now slowly realizing it? Maybe I lack support. Aside from my parents who give me full support, maybe I lack support from acquaintances. Do I even have one whom I call a friend? (Of course you do, idiot! You do have many friends!) I know, I know. However, the question is, do I have a friend whom I can share a conversation with which I consider a healthy one? A fruitful one? I am such a weird person, eh? I mean the conversation involving exchange of words of wisdom which I usually do with my family and relatives, giving practical advice (example: usually people would advise me, "let it be" or, "leave it," ('bahala na yan' or, 'hayaan mo na.') but my family gives me different advice. This topic is further discussed on my other post, here.), having an exchange of witticisms or bon mots, political conversations, philosophy, etc. Maybe I want a clone of myself? This kind of person or a so-called "friend" is non-existent. Thus, it is only existent in my delusional state of mind by which, for a reason, until now I haven't had any group of friends I belonged to, ever sine I was a kid. (This questions me as well. I shall post a new blog and discuss this next time if I already found the answer.) I guess, one of the reasons is I would rather be alone than to be with people who make me feel alone.
I am currently watching One Punch Man and the ending theme is playing right now. The ending theme makes me lonely--takes me back retrospectively, makes me recall the happy memories I had in Japan, and that is, whether the time I spent only with myself or with family. I never get sad because whenever I go out to have a stroll, I always look up to the sky and connect with the surrounding nature. I breathe deeply. The smell? How I love the smell of the air especially in the dawn. The sunrise? How I love the sunrise that it always gives me a hope by listening to Matsui Yuki's finger style music, "Flying to the Future" (I love listening to this song when I think of sunrise, you can listen it here), clapping and telling myself, "This is going to be a great day!" I want to feel that kind of motivation while I am in this kind of distress. Speaking of One Punch Man, it gives me motivation. To me it is not just an anime. It is more than it. There are hidden messages that it tries to convey. Like Saitama. Even if he has a godlike physical strength, he is still naive and I suppose, has low intellect (based on the test result to become a hero; perfect score in physical strength, very low score in essay), and that is what I love in the story. Beyond perfection, there is always an imperfection. It is what inspires me. Most of all, one thing that never cease to exist in him is the heart. In episode 7, he said, "Listen up! I don't do this hero-thing for admiration! I do it because I want to! If you want to hold a grudge against me then go ahead, you baldies!" (People are condemning him due to the destruction of the city, but he actually saved the city by destroying a huge meteor. The debris, however, destroyed the surroundings, but no casualty deaths.) Speaking of having a friend a while ago, I am jealous of Saitama because he has a disciple, Genos, who believes in him and to me they do have more than a master-disciple relationship. This is what struck me most of what Genos has said in the latter part of Episode 7: "I have never met any person as incredible as you, Master Saitama." "What brought that on?" Saitama said. "You are creeping me out," he added. Genos replied, "Even if the public does not appreciate you, I will still follow you." "That's not necessary. Really," answered Saitama. Geno's line amazed me. I hope, someday, not already basing on my delusions, I will have a friend/company/disciple (just kidding) like Genos.
 |
| Genos |
 |
| Saitama |
I reminisce mature conversations with my family; political conversations with my mother, words of wisdom exchange with my father as well as together with my Japanese relatives--these interest me. These stimulate me. My family's support motivates me. They were the first persons whom I cried. I would never want to disappoint them. I would never disappoint people who believe in me. Although I was raised in a strict environment (probably also the reason why I am alone and prefer to be alone? Also, many people think I have been spoilt because I am an only child, but it is actually the contrary.) and I think it is one of the reasons that is making me unprogressive. I do not know. I have many questions in my mind that I cannot even answer them. It is my responsibility to know who I really am but it is I who questions myself.
Going back to the main point. A while ago, I have been feeling useless. A sudden question has come to me. Am I useless? The answer is yes; at the same time, no. If I do not make a change then I am surely useless. If I do make a change, then definitely I am not useless. Funny thing I was the one who answered my own problem and advised myself. But, how? I have never thought of any solution and put them into action yet. I lack something. Then a sudden meta-question emerges in my mind whether I lack what I mentioned above or something else. I hope I could already find an answer because right now I really feel useless and my mind is in a state of disorder. I hope sometime, I will be practical. I hope the answers to my questions will finally be found. I find these occurrences funny. There is always a time that happens consecutively where the only one who could save myself is I. At times like this, I just resort to sit and tap myself to comfort. Life is funny, eh, but it is never a joke, according to my teacher in high school.
